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Monday, 13 May 2019

Alone






Before I went on my trip people had asked how I could go by myself and when I came back the question was still very much remained. So I decided to talk about being alone. Before I start I am being very open and vulnerable, so please be kind and try to be understanding about what I am trying to say, don't take this wrong way. Thank you.

When I was younger I didn't have many friends, I was also the kid that had to wander around and ask people if I could play. Usually, the answer was no. I was heavily bullied in primary school for being born in Germany I was often called Hitler or a German bomber and honestly, it didn't help that I and one of the most infamous men in history shared exactly the same birthday.  It was the worst start to my new life in the UK. There was already stuff going on in the background but I also had this at school as well. My teachers were less than helpful telling me to ignore the racist comments whilst I spent most of my early primary school days in tears. Some of my teachers were also incredibly racist as well.  When kids would say they were starving one particular teacher would say that only people in Africa were starving which is such a toxic image to portray to impressionable young kids. The bullying went on and teachers had neglected me. So to get rid of bullies I was terrible, I was violent,  I was aggressive and I was difficult to handle. I wasn't getting any friends, but at least I was left alone.


I hated primary school and honestly, not being dramatic I cannot stomach seeing anyone from that place again, only a tiny amount of people were kind to me, the rest were absolute devils. The experience still stays with me. I have tried and tried to move on, but it stayed like an ugly scar and there nothing I could do to get rid of it. On top of that horrendous ordeal at school, there was other background noise that was very much disturbed me. Like mentioned in my blog post: Growing up, the school was the only place I was allowed to act like a child and even then it was completely ruined. It didn't help that company I kept continuously ate at my esteem constantly belittling me. The company was kept on and off throughout high school. In the early years I didn't establish good friendships, hopping about from different groups of people and in the near the end I picked up one or two great gems although the friendship group was iffy, to say the least.

So all that time alone was my only safe option. I protected myself from the outside world. I tried to stop having feelings. It's funny to think, that to think and feel go hand in hand. For me, I thought more so not to feel.  I would rationalise my feelings so much that essence would be lost. The feeling would become a vague thought at the back of mind. It was almost like forcing the food down the sinkhole instead of consolidating the food and throwing the food in the bin. Eventually, the sink would block regurgitating something even more rancid and vile. Those were often aggressive outbursts or other things. In high school I went through that constant cycle, unsure where to turn to ask for help. there was no way I was turning to teachers again and because of a lack of trust, I wasn't turning to any of my friends. Being alone with your thoughts can be so dangerous. Some people are ticking time bomb and let me tell you to ask anyone from my high school what happened to me in year 9, you'll be shocked. Obviously, I will not talk about it in detail.

So being Alone was something I became accustomed to. I still find it hard to trust people. I lost friends because they would get to close and I would have to distance them again out of habit. I could rely on myself and I was very good at daydreaming and escaping through my thoughts, living out my very vivid imagination. There was a time I was never at home, there would be no one behind the eyes. As years went by, being alone becoming less toxic and more of a personality trait. I am really introverted, invitations have to be given to me weeks in advance so I can charge. Every time I go out I have to at least prep myself a little. I am much happier now but prefer to be alone now anyway. I am finally trying to understand who I am so I need my own space to do that in, without the influence of the outside world, because even though I was alone a lot before I was feeding off the insecurities of other people and all negativity surrounding me.

I am sorry it was all a little heavy this week, I'll return to goofy me next time. Also because I was alone a lot doesn't mean you have to be. If you ever feel like it's all a little bit too much please message me I am happy to listen, the same way so many people in my life have.

Note: Being alone and being isolated are two different things



Emmy
xx


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